new chapter.drama y sama..

new chapter:            being an adult..
bgai keciciran dr org lain y dh experience keje smpai 2yrs.
 aku br merangkak2..baru nk langkah masuk realiti.. masih nervous wey..blum jumpa lg superior aku..
 everyone thought I won't stay long working at this place.. but in my head.I wanna stay as long as I could. I wanna get busy with work.. if this could help me forget thing.. start paying my own bill. start planning my first house..or mayb place I could call home. not place I come back and barely can smile.. if I was 15,i would just listen to crap music n cry.. i couldn't go anywhere..hv no other place to go.. it's not like I wanna run from my obligation.. it seem like staying under one roof don't work out for us.. aku dh agak.dapat je keje...mesti dia start balik drama. lucky i decided not to come home yesterday.. Lucky i'm much stronger today I don't wanna brag about it..but life make me feel nothing bout ur jelousity and 'redonkelious' habit. cant see i'm step ahead of u rit? I won't say anything bout karma anymore.. cliche' sgt..but I hope someday u realize! u make me fall apart but now I feel nothing at all..


i'm not saying my house is big...tp aku kagum dgn kwn2 aku y tinggal kat umah lg kecil.tp hati mereka besar...i mean; there have better relation with other family members..if I could I would love to change this dull world..
but how?selain dari drama..no one really do the 'communicate' thing...

aku bukan er gila harta..nak kerje n duduk jauh dr family for a sake of $$.But I realize I can't just sit back and relax.I have to learn and earn money cause I need it..
I have debt to pay...I need place to stay...

Aku penat baca all the word and thing saying women should stay home..not being out and enjoy themselves..kadang2 aku persoalkn diri sndiri.
brape byk entah dosa aku ni..hari2 dok kluar..and entah la~

hilang

kadang-kadang kita terasa seolah-olah doa kita terlalu pendek

adakala solat trasa skejap cuma..sedangkan disaat itu baru kita rasa dekat...

Ada waktu yang kita harap sujud ini moga jadi yang terakhir...

kerana kita takut mungkin kita akan lalai dan kembali melupakan tempat sujud ini...

damai itu bukan terletak di tempat jauh tidak tersampai..

Adakala ia teramat dekat disisi tapi kita terus nafikan-Nya.

Kita rasa hilang sedang yg sebenar disitu tempat paling tepat untuk kita rasa dekat.

SEdangkan waktu itu yang terbaik untuk kita rasa teramat syukur atas smua diberi.

mungkin

mungkin...

antara perkara yang menyakitkan...

bila kita tak dapat nak rasa perasaan marah atau sakit hati...

bila yang buat pekara tu adalah orang yg kita 'care'..

We not able to hate him...even we want to..

We not able to feel angry even how bad we have cry

though it hurt when he rip our heart apart...

but we can't be mad at him...

because we just don't...

kerana aku bukan siapa2 untuk mrasa marah atau bengang...

kerana aku hanya diriku ;mencarik langit putih dalam kehitaman yg  tcorak.

I rather took all the blame...

feel guilty for having the feeling I have...

try to walk out of his life but don't have enough courage to do so..

the only thing I have is

Tawakal...I want him to be happy 

healthy more then I do...

and he meet his soulmate.

which will nvr be me..

I hope one day..I be able to forgive myself for not being a good human being.

and being so ridiculous in my need and my dream.for taking a black path bfore I found the right one.. 

cheese cake dan hati yang resah

menjadi kebiasaan untuk meletakkan picture makanan bersama-sama feeling beserabut dlm satu post.
mungkin akibat terasa emosi..rasa nk mengalihkan perhatian kepada makanan.
no wonder takde keberkesanan jogging smingu sekali...

halo-halo...inilah hasil cheesecake kali ke3.ni bhagian crust(bwh cake)

aritu guna orea mcm lg okeh kot....uhhhhh~

nilak setelah ditopping ngan strawberry jam yg dicair kan ngn strawberry real tabur sket...

beza ngan cheesecake 1st wat.tak guna philadehpia cheese.guna turtar plastic kuning bulat2 sbb nk jimat konon.

plus if guna receipe ni len kali ak kena ingat utk mgunakan loyang yg beparas tinggi n bsize lbey kecik...zzzz

kesimpulan: belum rasa okeh.

saje excited nk post picture.

pernah tak rasa tertipu g psar raye. mcm giant/tesco.
bila tgk item tu bila dipack kan double contoh er jd lebih mhal compare if beli satu+satu.
TAK PHAM???
contoh aku pernah nak beli pewangi keta let say jenama glade.
Satu pewangi dlam rm3.15
tapi konon er offer beli dua lebih murah.reverse sykology la kot.
bila dua jadi rm6.50 sen.so lebey 20 sen la kan?
ak lemah matematik.tp bila perasan benda mcm ni bukan er sakit hati kena byar lebih 20sen.
MAKA perasaan tertipu tu amat pedih,payau dan bebekas dihatiku...;P
sila la berhati-hati.takde sape yang rela diri didustai wlau dgn nilai 20sen.

tak pham gak,n rasa takde kaitan cite ak ngn cheesecake?just tgk picture...tak nmpk large kan la sndiri.

tartura cheese yg rm13.10=500g

sorry x clear.tp if beli 250g = 6.29

so aku beli dua jadi 500g = rm12.58 

kan?kan?kan?

Rasa bersalah pada diri sendiri....Sampai bila nk bertahan.
smpai bila nk fikir perkara yg dah tau mustahil er.

terkadang rasa bersalah mempunyai perasaan ini.
kenapa msti rasa bersalah suka kat orang.salah kat diri sndiri atau org yg disukai.
Akhir-akhir ni ramai yang kahwin n tunang tapi ada gak dua tiga kerat yg baru patah hati.
takot sbb tak tau bila smpai turn sndiri
tp lagi takut tgk org yg cerai n clash2 ni...mcm mane la nk tempuh if happen 

 'it ' did make me smile for some part of my life.

Adakala waktu ak rs idup sgt shitty.there are some reason that make me smile.

smua er smentra.apa boleh buat.hargai dan trus hargai yg pergi atau yg datang

menyedih

mood sedeh: entah~macam tak de rasa nak beli laptop baru lagi skang ni.
I don't feel like changing to new laptop anymore.
biar la pe nak jadi...If rosak atau tak boleh pakai bila sampai Brisbane. Nak pikir psal tu nanti.
Lantak dah la....
Rasa nak tawakal aje. Ada orang jadi kan issue when I started asking for a thing that I thought I deserved.
suppose to be my turn.I let her step ahead before me.though I made a right decision for letting off my dream 3years ago..try to be patience and think about others who I care.But she just don't get it.
Takde sape nak amek port bila dia asking macam2 before...kenapa harus die nak sibuk bila time aku?

rasa tungang terbalik diri

Aku cuba jauhkan diri dari masalah.I hate fighting.
I hate getting hurt at place where I seek for a peace of mind....Thought place where I belong to.but surely,
I just feel vulnerable all the time.
Tak sangka psal benda ni aku nak sedeh n menangis.Tak taulah....
bukan sebab tak dapat apa yang aku nak.Cuma aku tak suka,orang persoalkan benda yang aku betul-betul pasti.
Mungkin bukan sekarang.Biarlah nanti...aku cuba pikir jalan lain.Biarpun jalan yang ni tertutup.
Entahlah,bagi aku biar lah berbaloi....
Tamak ke aku?selfish sangat ke aku?Sebab aku tahu ape yang aku nak jadikan aku ditempat yang bersalah.
Suarakan isi hati aku.Jadi penyebab untuk orang lain membenci diri aku

Listen to the song here in my heart

A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within

It's only beginning to find release

selepas mengosip..

I should stop my habit writing on notepad since my laptop keep crushing down unexpectedly .
Everything I put down will gone.
and for someone who have a low memory on remember thing.I forget easily.
My wireless ain't working.Start using the broadband again.

At least I feel much relief after meeting some friends last night.
Less burden after suffering that I couldn't explain.

At least I be able to cry after saying what I want last night.

Be able to share some of my thought with some friends that able to listen.
Though not all are pour out.at least some have going out of my mind.

few days ago have been quite tough day for me.thinking about some problem on my own..Not able to tell someone on the phone.typing only make it hard on me.
Try not to believe what some creatures have make me feel so bad this few days.
Is it easy to hate people?
Why easier for some to make me think I don't deserve to hold some  happiness ..
To make me feel bad on myself?

this is much hurting..feeling unwanted and make me feel I should just hate myself for what I have became.
I Don't able to tell what I really want.
Don't able to know how the other party are doing and thinking about me?
Is not like I want to read people mind..
Why is hard to understand them?

sometime it easier to sing it then to say it.
To feel it with your heart but couldn't see it with your eyes.

The world is all around us It's much too big to see,

The words are seldom honest so we never disagree

The world is all around us

But have you noticed me?

Yeah,the world has overshadowed me

The world is all around us

So tell me what you see

Yeah The world is all around us

There's little room to breathe....

Down Fever

.......have u Ever know someone who
Never Like u since forever.u learn to be hate.
To be someone who have to be alone all
The time. Learn to set urself as second choice and
Forget ur Dreams bcause u too tired to get hurt.
Keep ur mouth shut So u won't be hated again.
She make me remember dat i don't deserve to be happy
.She make the person who i bcome today.Keep my distance with person
I Care and love So i can let them happy without being to close with them.
i never really know how to be nice with people.
i'm just someone who prefer to get hurt then to be happy.
Who knew Thai it hard to try to make someone Like my own self.


....,I'm crying from the inside.hope i'll b strong from some reason i couldn't tell

Kurang Bijak

Agak kurang bijak aku nak mula berbicara benda yang x pasti.
Ada benda yang kadang-kadang kita nak berhenti agar esok luka itu akan pulih...
Ada jua yang buat diri mahu berlari sejauh-jauh nya....
agar yang pahit dapat ditinggalkan berlalu pergi...

Posisi ketika ini?
Hanya akur.dan befikir...
Siapa yang bakal dikhianati?
Untuk apa harus kufahami?

Andai asal sebuah kanvas hitam.....
Walau telah kucuba warnai jingga...
Ia masih kekal hitam.....Dan kucelup merah.....
Hitam nya masih pekat....
Menyekat segala impian diatas sebuah kegelapan taman impian...

Dalam

How can I decide what's right? 

When you're clouding up my mind 

Can't win your losing fight 

all the time 

Not gonna ever own what's mine 

When you're always taking sides 

You won't take away my pride 

No, not this time

How did we get here? 

when I use to know you so well 

How did we get here? 

Well, I think I know 

disaat kaki ak diratah nyamuk ni....
ler lagi rasa nk merapu~ I've lot to say tonight,or even last night..maybe this gonna b forever...
someone told me dat I never try to do it right..
Dan sekarang ni...it just getting worst.parah dan bernanah.

'Aku akur dengan hati yg busuk..Supaya dapat kau lihat yg indah diluar.'

I wish I could spell it out,from alphabets to word...
from words to perfect description from right inside my soul...
But everything will b so wrong...
I might end up using harsh words and some mean explanation from what I've been through...
So I end up listening instead of describing.
Realize, it never gonna be a good solution in a long term...
Yet the picture getting uglier this many years
 I just bare with your dream.cause I don't want any of us to get hurt .
But maybe I wrong~maybe I don't have any guts to tell you...
Pathetically coward I am.... 

Kaseh sayang tu pelik...Knape mesti tunjuk dengan cara yg pelik...
Cara yg buat aku rasa asing...I'm no one but human who try to breath under the same sky...
Cuba melihat bintang yg sama dari longitude dan latitude yg berbeda...
Dan kita melihat KEINDAHAN itu dengan CaRa  X sama.
Manusia mmg kejadian yg ANEH....Memilih untuk melihat perkara yg DisUKA
Mencipta ALasAn yg hilang LoGik disaat haBES daLiL dan hUJaH...
kEraNa dia Tahu...aKU akan Setia di PAksI serUpa...
aKU masEh uTUh denGAn JawaPAn yg LebIh dari pasTi...
Penghujung nya...Aku tetap yg tewas..
Toleransi?skadar ucapan waktu mahu rasa selesa...
Ya,ak maseh lg manusia PELIK yg lemah....
Yang lelah berdiri diantara garisan yang mmbeza kan taraf manusia..
Kerana aku rasa kekalahan dan benci rasa itu.


Prinsipku..cuma sampah yang kau lihat...
Lalu kau biarkan ak tersesat dalam impian mu.


Penat ku...anggapanmu keGILAan aku tak pasti...
Lantas kau buat aku berhenti DaN hilang dari mimpiku sendiri

BEnAR ak bukan penentu JAlaN akhir diri ku..
Tapi kau lupa, aku maseh percaya takdir Tuhan Yang Sasksama.
Walau DisUrat selamanya kau tak mampu hargai aku sebagai AKU.
Walau tersirat.Kau mahu aku wujud untuk Kau banggakan.
DImana kita Sama-sama tak mampu  hadap realiti 
 waLaU sedAR aku jua rapuh dan LeTih untuk berTahan....

Lastly,aku masih aku yg semalam.Just sick and tired of shouting and fighting.

Nothing

I"M myself...
putting some fake smile...
i wish someday u found me here...

Ditempat yang aku tercampak
Setelah lelah aku mencuba...
Ditempat yg mereka hina....
Saat aku terdampar kepedihan...

Aku harap....
Dan masih mengharap...

Hati yang bukan milikku

dalam oksigen yg sama...
kita sedut gas ini
dan hembus menjadi udara yang berbeza
dalam ruang yang sama...
Kita berdiri dlam paksi serupa
Namun punyai jiwa berbeda...

Setiap nafas yg kuhembus ini...
Bukan milik ku atau kamu...
Setiap gerak kiri atau kanan..
Mula mundur dan maju hidup yg kontang
Tiada satu yg terjadi
tanpa izin dari-NYa...

Apakah aku mampu bertanya lagi
Disini hnya kotak jawapan yg kosong

Aku?
hanya menanti gerak jiwa merasa
Diatas satu nada yang sunyi...